How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Life is too SHORT so enjoy while you in it ;)

Stress again Naturally

Today I am overly stressed. I don't know why I started the day that way. Maybe it is because I feel so far behind and wish that my life is better than what it is now. Needless to say I woke up, or I didn’t sleep well that’s why I’m in a crappy mood. I can't talk myself run on the treadmill this morning, I am just so tired and my legs feels so fatigued, so I opt for belly dancing and hope that helps. I feel a little better and start my daily routine.

Work and now sitting in front of my computer but things seems to worsen out. Called home and the same situation that I have to face every month of my life, expenses, this and that and oh don’t forget the mouths I have to feed.

When things are in bad shape I turn to humor. I would be reading jokes, and apply it to myself. Updating my facebook status, to make others smile too when they read it. I know life is not always happy. That’s why I can say it is better than a woman…well, life sucks pretty good…lol

Oh well, that put a smile on my face, I think I’m ready to continue with my day and not give a damn about these things that has been bugging me, taking a deep breath every time I feel like exploding, to release the bad energy that’s been eating my brains for the past few months.

I promise that ,my next blog would be something positive and so God help me. Ciao!!

Before and After Wedding

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!..

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After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top...........:)

Teachers and Students

Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing Religion,

Sexuality and Mystery.

Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow.."

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE : I is...

TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father

didn't punish him?"

LOUIE : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before

eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as

your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Court Hearings Q&A

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A: What do u think>?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Duh

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
A: Guess

Things To Do On An Elevator

1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
   
2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
   
3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
   
4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
   
5. MEOW occasionally.
   
6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
   
7. SAY -DING at each floor.
   
8. SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
   
9. MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
   
10. STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
    
11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
    
12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
    
13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
    
14. WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
    
15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
    
16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
    
17. HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
    
18. DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
    
19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
    
20. PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
    
21. SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
    
22. CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

Laughter is the only medicine you can get anywhere, anytime at no cost at all.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

 

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"

 

The husband replied. "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began....

 

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued....

 

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

 

" Please. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"